As I am taking the bus to university, my mind is filled with million questions, so many doubts, absence of surety, lack of motivation, empty vision, no goals for future, no long term plans or short term objectives. My Life is like an empty vessel, waiting for something or someone, a sign, a sign from above. Above? I wonder if there is anything is above, if there is a higher entity, a bigger purpose to life. I wonder if I am on the right path, I question my judgements, I question my choices, but do I regret any of it? I did what needed to be done. Or so I have told myself all these years. If you something enough times, you begin to believe in the truth of it. Did I really have to do it? I wonder now. If I were ever to return to that day and do it differently, would I? I don’t know. I don’t want to know. Fact is I don’t want to find out. I am afraid of the answer. What’s done is done, I cannot change it, there is no time travel on real world. There is no going back. They say that our past experiences make us what we are today, shape out character and our personality. But what did I learn from my past? Repeating mistakes, making same old choices, the same old carelessness, the same old attitude. In this ditch of worthlessness and meaningless existence I keep living. But no more. I cannot do it anymore. I cannot ignore what I did. No one else knows but I do. I need to be held accountable for my actions. I need to pay the blood price. As I close my eyes I can still see her green eyes looking at me in shock, as life drained out of her and she became numb, not resisting anymore. The nightmares of that night still haunt me in my sleep and awake. No matter how many times I consume drugs or get drunk, to forget, to forget that night, to forget that moment, to forget her. I cannot. There is no escape, no escape but one. I got off at the bus stop near the train station. The sun shinning on my face, ever so bright, so many people surrounding me, I briskly walk towards the platform’s edge, a train from Milan approaching, my eyes watering, my heart pacing, my mind racing, I closed my eyes once more and saw her beautiful face again.
That would an easy escape. If nothing else, I am patient. Death would be a gift, a pleasure, a release. I deserve to live, live this cursed life and suffer, suffer this sorry existence. I move away from the platform and just sat on the bench near by. Would my life be always defined by that moment? Was that all there was to me? Did nothing else matter? If I had to do it then why do I feel so bad? Why do I suffer? Why can’t I find peace? Why can’t I think of all the horrible things she did? What she was about to do? About to do when I stopped her. No one else would understand it. But I do. No one else would believe me. But I do. I did evil to stop evil. People say there is always a choice but there was none for me. I close my eyes again the scenes of that night again start playing in my head. I came home from work, a bottle of wine in my hand, to celebrate my big promotion. As I entered the room I heard the cry, an innocent cry and then it stopped, complete silence, the wine bottle slipped through my hands and I ran, ran to her room, I found her standing with the pillow pressed hard, I lost it, I knew what she was doing, filled with rage and anger, such that u never knew to have in me, I grabbed her my hair and threw her back, the silence was pierced by the shrieking cries, her cries, the innocent child, I pinned her down to the ground and got on top, what were you doing to our daughter you selfish bitch I yelled at her, not waiting for an answer, I just grabbed her by the throat. She struggled she tried to push me off, but I was too strong for her, I held my grip firm and didn’t, et go until I saw the light leave her eyes and then she was still, I got off, tears running down my eyes, I turned towards the bed and picked her in my arms and kissed her head. And walked out of the room. I did what I had to do.
I opened my eyes again as another train approached the platform, got up and walked to my university. Death? No! But still doesn’t change what I did. I will life my life, with the suffering, the nightmares, the fears of someone finding out, the tears, the hurt, the loss and for her, my little angel.